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Chapter 10
"Hello Ream, This is
Sally."
"Well, hello Sally."
"I hope you don't think
I'm too forward in calling. The dust has settled around all we talked about.
Now I'm left with more questions."
"I was thinking about
you this morning, and wanted Mrs. Mead to get me your phone number, but
she has the morning off so I'm glad you called. I'd like to get it now,
if it's all right with you?"
"Sure," Sally gave
him her number. After a slight pause, she asked, "There's one big question
left hanging. What happened to your special relationship? It sounded so
perfect."
Beneath her words,
Ream recognized an attraction between them which had grown since the last
time they talked. Maybe she recognized it also, but thought talking about
it would be out of place. There were things not ready to be said.
Ream responded, "I
didn't have a sense of direction for what was happening between Dee Dee
and myself. It was so different, it caught me by surprise, and I wasn't
prepared for it."
"I'm not sure I understand?"
"In a nut shell, Dee
Dee wanted acceptance while I wanted closeness."
"I think I understand.
Can you elaborate."
"Somewhere her needle
got stuck in the record when someone told her love was about unconditional
acceptance. She had a real thing about this. She kept asking Can't you
accept me for what I am?"
"I don't find a lot
wrong with that."
"Neither did I at first,
like everyone else I bought into this without questioning. Acceptance is
definitely a part of parental love and friendship love. But now I think
with intimacy, it's different."
"OK, I'm listening,
carefully, something maybe striking home."
"The more accepting
I was, the further we grew apart. I learned that acceptance encourages
growing apart, but intimacy invites coming closer together. And real
intimacy does have conditions."
"Oh, what are those?"
"Priority and exclusiveness
are major ones. Also, to love and be loved."
Sally was thinking
back to her marriage with Timothy. She and Timothy had the same priority,
their family. She remembered how they both went out of the way to
be courteous to each other and help each other feel better. So far she
couldn't see how Ream's point explained the collapse of her marriage.
"I'm interested in
what you think the priorities should be, Ream?'
"I was fooled for many
years and two marriages into thinking I wanted the same thing as everyone
else. My priority was my career, I was living for it. The reality was that
I used my wife for motherly support, so I could disconnect and go
do my thing."
Sally remembered how
she went out of her way to give her family love and acceptance, especially
her husband. Now the question had been raised if it had been the right
kind of love. Sally wondered if she might have set herself up for failure.
Could she and Timothy have been parents to each other; encouraging one
another into separate worlds? She wanted to learn more.
"When Dee Dee came
along, I had been through several relationships, and begun to recognize
something was missing. Now I wanted something more. I was tired of living
separately. I had simply outgrown it."
Sally thought more
about Timothy and how they had slid into coming after other things in their
partner's life. Perhaps, they hadn't understood how it could be. It was
the current life style of marriage -- the wedding and the honeymoon
were supposed to be exciting and then each person was expected to settle
into a role. If they didn't fight much, it was a fine marriage. How could
they have known the difference at the time? Their youngest son had a heart
condition. That had been put in front of their marriage. There hadn't been
much time for a "missing something".
"I think you get ready
for what you really want by experiencing what you don't want." said Sally.
"I have an idea what it is for me, but I would be interested in what the
missing something is for you."
"A sense of oneness,
a connected us."
"That interests me
as well. What do you mean by connection?
"It's a very distinct
feeling of completeness. It becomes the background of your being.
You know when it's there and also when someone disconnects." "You mean
when two people are connected, there are little touches and glances all
day long just to stay connected. A little alarm goes off inside you and
you find you need to re-connect."
"That's it exactly."
"What happened with
Dee Dee?"
"She had other priorities.
"
"Oh, what were they?"
"There was a difference
in what she called lifestyle, but it was really money. For me, money and
love don't mix. If someone requires a certain standard of living, I would
always worry what would happen if the bottom fell out. For the real thing,
I'd live in a cardboard box. For me, two people pool their resources and
talents and pitch a tent while they build a together-world."
"Did she have children?"
"Yes, a teenage daughter.
One time, she disconnected to spend Christmas Eve with her daughter and
ex-husband because she felt her daughter deserved to have her two parents
together on Christmas. She was giving confused signals to her daughter.
Spending Christmas with all three of them together hinted a false hope
of reconciliation with her ex-husband."
"I take it you didn't
like being made second, and competing for attention?"
"Exactly. I was standing
in line behind both career and child. I couldn't accept the like it or
lump it disconnection. It doesn't have to be that way."
"Oh?"
"Children and the person
you are connected to should be on different channels. They never really
have to compete. Channel A is exclusive and intimate, while Channel B gives
children nurturing love. You keep Channel A connected and warm while you
give support to children on B."
"It must have been
very painful for you. Was it worth it?"
"Definitely. I found
the answer to man's unsolvable puzzle; the guilt of being attracted to
other women. The mysterious thing I found in the all accepting stillness
made my desire for other women disappear. All I can say is that it's
spiritual and experiential, something bigger than any commitment you'd
ever need. I'd trade my whole life for a few minutes of it. Once you have
experienced it, you won't settle for anything less. "
"Actually," said Sally,
"it's all I want out of this life too, and sometimes I think I'd settle
for the same two minutes in the arms of the person who is a perfect fit.
I 'd like to make that same connection."
"There seems to be
a great similarity between us. Or maybe we are at about the same point
in our lives," he observed.
"Ream, there are so
many things you say which make me feel like we already know each other.
Its really quite remarkable. Do you think we ought to get better acquainted
and meet?"
Ream paused. He couldn't
decide whether he should or how he would introduce his blindness, and delayed
by saying, "It might be nice to see if we can smooth out some other questions
before we meet and start getting chemistry involved."
"I agree. It doesn't
have a lot to do with what happens after the honeymoon. It just feels
like it at the time."
"May I call you in
a few days to stay in touch?" asked Ream.
"Please do."
And so continued a
series of many conversations which would involve Sally and Ream in a unique
telephone romance. |
