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Chapter 17
Bob's voice was very
gentle, "That's probably a pretty accurate description of how you see yourself
right now. There's a great crack in your reality. In a sense, the very
center of your being has been dismembered. To say you feel lost and horrified
is an understatement.
I've done some research
since our last talk. My guess is you have PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Remember your psychologist at rehab? It's not uncommon for psychologists
and other counselors to tune out details of a trauma story simply because
they can't handle it. Technically it's called countertransference, meaning
the ghastly horror of a situation causes a reaction in them. Their psyche
will deliberately avoid the subject and blame other areas like your childhood.
To shield themselves, they entrap you in the plight of the Suffering Servant
which is an old religious story. As I remember, it goes something like
this:
"Yet we considered him
stricken by God, smitten by him and afflicted. But he was pierced for our
transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities, and the punishment that
brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."
Obvious PTSD victims
are created during the horrors of war, but there are many other persons
who suffer from rape, ritual abuse, child abuse, cults, violence, drugs,
etc. etc.
Have you ever had the
wind knocked out of you? Well, this is like having the wind knocked out
of your spirit.
You're not alone in
your dilemma. What is going on inside you is normal for what you have been
through. You should be feeling what you are feeling. Now that you
know what is happening to you, you may not be so totally lost. In my research
I found one of those reinforcing quotations which might be of value to
you. Let me read it." He took a sheet of paper from inside his coat
pocket and read:
The Sanctuary
There exists a category
of human experiences beyond imagination more horrific than death itself;
because something in those experiences seeks to destroy the human spirit
and exorcise whatever is sacred.
For those who have been
there, shattered to the brink of extinction, and have come back,
their faith has been transformed into certainty. They have gained sanctuary
in knowing a Holy Presence which eclipses any fear, absorbs any poison,
and provides comfort nothing else could, and through this truth they are
released from peril or bondage.
Stripped of reason,
perception, and even reality, the human spirit can survive to regain a
shattered self, because in every person there is that sanctuary, impenetrable
except by love. It is there that you will find your spirit if it ever becomes
lost even to yourself.
As he put the quotation
in Ream's hand, he said, "Ream, you're not the kind to talk easily about
your experiences, but you need to tell someone about it, all about it.
With someone who can hear it in full. Especially someone who has had similar
devastation. Someone you can really trust to listen to the grim terror
of what you experienced, to suffer through it in extreme detail with you
no matter how upset you become.
One of the miracles
of the human condition is that when pain is shared, it is easier to bear.
When you share it with someone who understands, or who has had a similar
experience, healing develops. Ultimately it's a kind of spiritual blessing,
and you find yourself by connecting with another person.
Then I think you will
feel able to reconnect with the rest of humanity. You'll resist this idea
because you expect it will tear you apart, but I hope you will think about
what I am telling you."
Ream couldn't talk
the rest of the way to his cabin except for a half choked, "Thanks,
Bob."
For the first
time since he had been blinded he knew where he was, and where the pieces
of himself were scattered.
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