Sally and Timothy were married the year following college graduation. It was a lovely wedding. His parents were delighted with his choice. Her friends said they're good looking together and she had made a good catch.
Their
wedding picture was in the photographer's shop window for six weeks following
the wedding.
Before their marriage, they had long talks about their mutual expectations. Both knew the honeymoon would eventually dissolve. They did not pretend the skyrockets of early romance would remain forever. They made a joint determination to stay together because they believed in family values, or thought they did.
They agreed their marriage shouldn't be dissolved simply because its pleasure wasn't intense. They resolved that a good marriage had do with discipline, commitment, and loyalty. And they agreed most marriages would flatten out through the years. They anticipated the possibility of being sexually attracted to others, but resolved they would nip these emotions in the bud before either of them strayed from their vows.
In the beginning, their marriage worked because of determination like that of most newly-weds. They found ways to compromise and work on compatibility. Often Sally and Timothy would find themselves saying, "Oh yes, we are happy, we have a good marriage, but we have to work at it."
In the early years Sally told friends, "We are very kind to each other. We do small favors for each other. When my car breaks down, Timothy makes time to drive me, and I run a lot errands for him when he is tied up."
"But also," she continued, "we give each other enough space to have solitude and be free. You have to be grown up enough not to want to possess someone. You accept your husband for what he is, you let him do his thing, have his own identity."
Sally would cheerfully say, "We are not responsible for each other's lives and we don't try to control each other. We are two self-sufficient, separate individuals with mutual respect for one another."
Sally and Timothy had three boys. Although each looked a little like Timothy, each was an individual. The two older boys developed an early interest in athletics and girls. Johnny, the youngest, was more interested in science and math because he couldn't keep up at athletics.
It was Johnny who got the most attention among the boys because he had an enlarged aorta which required major heart surgery when he was seven years old. The discovery of the defect and the resulting surgery took agonizing precedence of the family life for nearly three years. Further surgery was a possibility in Johnny's future.
The two oldest boys had sandy hair which turned even lighter in the summer when they were on the local swimming team. They played in the usual ball leagues. Although the boys were good in sports, they were not outstanding.
Sally was devoted to the boys and supported them through Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts and Little League. Often she would have to schedule her time days in advance to drive the boys to practice and out of town games. Timothy was usually too busy to take time from work to go along.
Because Timothy had a good profession as an accountant, Sally was able to stay home with the boys during the early years of their childhood. This was an advantage during the time Johnny had his surgery. Also, the boys appreciated being able to come home from school to a full time mother who could help them with their homework and listen to them tell her about their day.
Good cooking came naturally to Sally because she had the time and desire to feed "the four hungry boys" in her family as she referred to them. There were the weekend picnics nearly every weekend in the summer time as well as the yearly family vacation.
When one of the boys got sick or had a tooth ache, Sally was always there to take him to the doctor. There were the usual cuts, scrapes, and bruises, but there were no serious other injuries except when Johnny fell from a tree and broke his leg.
If Sally did a good job of anything, it was raising her boys. She went overboard, and was so preoccupied with their lives and Johnny's heart condition, her husband was placed in the background. This easily slipped by Timothy since he was so involved in his work.
Slowly Sally's and Timothy's lives evolved into two separate worlds. Their marriage became a quiet resignation of companions working to be compatible for the sake of the family.
Timothy and Sally became totally accepting of each other's separate world, and completely embroiled in their own. The day came when they barely recognized each other. They had followed all the rules for a perfect marriage, but it wasn't working. Their version of love had not brought them closer, but had driven them apart. The reality was that their marriage was dead, but it had not been buried.
Timothy finally mused one day in bewilderment, "This marriage is like a melt-down in a nuclear reactor. It is a slow death waiting to happen because we're wearing ourselves out trying to please each other, while all the time we grow further apart. It's as if my cup is always being emptied; when does it get full?"
Just before the end, it seemed the only time Timothy touched her was when they were in bed. Even then, he would be repulsed by little mannerisms, such as her hair getting in his face. She didn't like the abrupt way he would turn his back and go to sleep. But neither of them spoke to the other about these annoyances.
After the divorce, Sally never recognized she had been a mother, not a wife. She did not know she was an unfinished woman, who never became herself, because she never gave herself fully to Timothy. She gave motherly affection, understanding even acceptance, but had not been able to surrender her control because she had yet to be unlocked.
Sally had remained single after the divorce because she was uncertain about her expectations of marriage and because she needed to finish raising her sons. She moved to Prescott, Arizona because it offered the life she wanted in the country, and because it had a good school system.
At the same time, unconsciously she did not want to have a new husband competing for her love with her boys. Her boys were her own flesh and blood. They would come before anything else in her life until they left the nest. It wasn't until they all moved away and started lives of their own that she felt a crushing sense of abandonment fill her life.
Shortly after Johnny, her youngest, left home, Sally was diagnosed with malignant tumors in her breasts. Within a few days these required a mastectomy in which both of her breasts were surgically removed, leaving her weak, questioning, and devastated.
Now, not only had her family and marriage taken from her, but also her womanhood as she knew it. Under this compelling circumstance Sally heard of Mrs. Mead who was organizing a "Woman's Spirit" discussion group.